Well,here I am,posting a new blog.New life,New page,New Friends,hmmm what else? Everything's just so-called-NEW :p However,my life isnt exactly made up of right moments.I kind of have to take them where I can get them.
It's funny how nothing ever stays the same. Nothing .For the longest time it seemed like I was untouchable.After everything I went through,after all that sorrow & guilt & heartache.I made a pact with myself : that I'd never sink to that level of sadness again.That no matter what,I'd stay on top.And I did.Even through all that stuff with "him".Even when "she" blew into my life & my relationship with "him" fell apart, I still kept it together on the outside.Think of a swan gliding across a pond.There's all that furious web-footed churning under the surface but all you see is the bird gliding by, unruffled .On top of it all.On the surface ,at least.
That was me.On top of things,placidly gliding across the surface without messing up a feather.Up where I belonged or atleast where everyone else seemed to think I belonged.But now I feel like Im cracking :S He : Isnt get any better. And Im finding it hard to stay afloat.Watching him with her,I'm beginning to think that life has no patterns.It's just a series of arbitrary circumstances, where there are some good,some bad.All of it meaningless & random.
I've also decided that what doesnt kill you doesnt necessarily make you stronger,either. [Every knock adds up.Sooner or later,you sink]
Worst of all,I cant talk to anyone about this stuff.It's not like my friends would even begin to understand or empathize. Well perhaps? :S And I cant talk to my parents.They're in even worse shape.
Once upon a time "HE" was that person,the one person I could tell anything to,no matter how harsh. But he's toooo busy shutting me out to care. & besides,he's too full of optimism right now to even begin to relate-too filled with his "recovery" to see how my life is breaking up into chunnks & sinking.
I am totally alone.It's like ... i dont know.Maybe,just maybe, life is just an existential exercise.I still dont think I quite get what existential means but it sound lonely & hideous, & thats exactly how life is ? hmmm.For the first time ever ,I feel like im getting dangerously close to numb :p Here's another thing that makes no sense: How can a person feel so desperately unhappy,yet feel numb at the exact same time? Numbness is like the opposite of "sadness". Or is it ? Nothing makes sense :p LOL.
The only thing I know is that I dont give a shit anymore about the things that used to matter to me.Its hard work even getting dresses in the morning,never mind color coordinating.I dont even care that "him" & "her" are rumored to be a couple.I have bigger things to worry about than that.
ENOUGH said.
-My favourite word & sentence for today is-
" One regret is of utmost importance.But two regrets would merely amount to failure & I do not intend to fail. "
Its pretty hilarious ,i know :p So sheesh upppp. HAHA.
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